"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover
that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
In Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, the second
and fourth definitions given for forgive are "to give
up all claim on account of" and "to cease to feel
resentment against". These are the two definitions that
have the greatest relevance to the one doing the forgiving.
When we fail to forgive, it means that we are hanging on to
some notion that we have some claim against the other person
and that to set things right, we need to get something from
them. It also means that we are hanging on to resentment.
The trouble is that both these things reside within us. They
may or may not do anything to the other person, but they continue
to eat away at us. We need to release ourselves from this
bondage.
Forgiveness is a topic of great significance to people with
histories of trauma. Most have a great deal to forgive. There
was much that was done to them. And, in most cases, there
was much that they went on to do to themselves. We have much
hurt and anger, not only because of what was done to us, but
most especially because of the after effects of that trauma.
What was done to us was wrong and our desire for revenge or
compensation is natural. We feel that somehow things need
to be set right and our natural inclination is to look to
the perpetrator as the one responsible and therefore the one
who should pay. However, the reality is that if the perpetrator
were a responsible person, they would not have committed the
offense in the first place. They are in most cases, incapable
of doing the responsible thing then or now. It is a mistake
to look to them to solve our dilemma. We must look to ourselves.
Further complicating things is the fact that many people
who suffer trauma are slow to come to the realization that
things were done to them that shouldn't have been done. Many
were told that the evil and perverse or neglectful things
that were done to them were okay, normal, good for them, or
a gift. For example, a pedophile may tell his under aged victim
that he is introducing her to sex. Consequently, it takes
the victim a while to figure out that she has been done wrong
to. This sort of delayed awareness can complicate the process
of coming to the point of forgiveness. There were all those
years when the perpetrator never came under suspicion or blame.
He got off scot-free. Finally the victim recognizes the wrong
and feels resentment and the need for it to be set right.
Forgiveness is not an appealing alternative at that point.
It may be, realistically, that there must be some period
of blame, resentment and a desire for compensation before
there can be an openness to forgive. However, the sooner we
can come to forgiveness the sooner we can set ourselves free
from these burdens which weigh us down and do nothing for
us. Until we forgive, all we get is to have a feeling of righteousness.
And feeling righteous may seem worthwhile but in fact really
does nothing for us in the long run. Forgiveness, on the other
hand, can set us free to get on with a life beyond trauma.
Finally, we must also forgive ourselves. And, again, there
is much that we have to forgive ourselves for. We have not
always behaved perfectly. Many victims become perpetrators
against others or against themselves. The perpetrators seem
to have all the power and we want some. And we sometimes mistakenly
think that we must become a perpetrator to have the power
we seek. We must also forgive ourselves for not having the
power to stop the abuse.
I remember one client who believed that if she had told on
her perpetrator, one of the other men in the family would
have killed him in a hunting "accident". She may
or may not have been correct in her assumption. However, it
did give her a way to feel powerful, express her revenge and
keep her shame and fear hidden all in one neat package. He
could do what he did to her, but in her mind at least, she
had the power of life and death over him.
Examining your own life experience, consider the following:
Whom have I forgiven for things they have done to me? For
what things have I forgiven them? Whom have I not forgiven
and for what have I not forgiven them? How do I feel about
the idea of forgiving them for these things? How do I think
my failure to forgive has impacted my life? What difference
do I think it would make for me to forgive them now?
Homework:
1. Write a letter of forgiveness to one of your perpetrators!
There is no right or wrong way to do this. However, notice
your thoughts and feelings as you write your letter and jot
them down parenthetically. You may or may not want to send
the letter you write, or you may not be able to send it if
the perpetrator is deceased or otherwise out of contact.
2. Next write a letter of forgiveness to yourself!
Again, notice your thoughts and feelings as you write it and
again, jot them down in parentheses along the way.
3. Bring the two letters with you to the next group
session! At that time we will discuss the process of writing
these letters and your reactions to it. We will not necessarily
discuss the specific content of your letters unless you choose
to share part of what you have written with the group.
John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com
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