"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall
make you free." John 8:32
Often times in my practice I get asked why speak the truth.
My clients tell me that they are afraid to speak the truth.
They believe that if they speak the truth there will be terrible
consequences. Or they just believe that life is easier when
certain truths are not confronted. They tell me that the truth
is a hassle or worse. Sometimes they are like the Jack Nicholson
character in A Few Good Men, "The truth? You can't handle
the truth!" They believe that there is someone who cannot
handle the truth.
Recently a client told me that he could not tell his teenage
son the truth about how my client saw what was going on with
the boy. My client felt that he could not share with his son
what he was thinking and feeling. Upon exploring this what
we discovered was that my client was afraid that his son would
commit suicide. When I inquired about the boy's history with
regard to suicidal behavior, i.e. talk, gestures, plans or
attempts, there were none. My client's fear had nothing to
do with his son. It had to do with the fact that a friend
had committed suicide. This friend had a personality that
in some ways resembled the son's. And the friend had been
alone in the house as the son often is. Upon achieving this
insight about his fears, my client was able to be more open
and honest with his son. But initially at least, even with
this new insight, he still had the question about why to speak
the truth.
Before answering this question, I need to begin with a definition
of what I mean by speaking the truth. Speaking the truth can
take many forms and I believe that they are all to the good.
This is not to say that I think that we should just say whatever
comes into our head and it will all work out. This would not
be speaking the truth. Speaking the truth is saying what is
factual without any add-ons. It is dropping all pretenses.
It is dropping all our acts. It is letting go of all our reactions.
We will have our add-ons, our pretenses, our acts and our
reactions. We all do. We will have them, but we don't have
to act on them. We don't have to speak from those places as
if they were the truth. We can speak about them as add-ons,
pretenses, act and reactions, and that would be the truth.
When I refer to seeing these things as interesting psychological
phenomenon, I am reminding us that they are not who we are.
They are things our minds put forth for us in their attempts
to keep us safe from the monsters from our past. If we had
grown up in the forest and we still lived in the forest, then
this thing that our mind does would be very useful. It would
help keep us safe from lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!
Okay, so, the bottom line is that the truth is just what is
and nothing more and nothing less. Some of us don't know what
is and so our first job is to begin to distinguish between
what our minds make up for us and what really is, what is
true.
So what is the rationale for telling the truth? How does
the truth make us free? I recently was speaking with a client
who is a chronic liar. He is constantly putting on an act
to try to get people to like him or to cooperate with him
or to not confront him, etc. And what are worse than the lies
that he tells others are the lies that he has been telling
himself. So, I figured this guy would be the perfect guy to
ask my question to. So, I asked him why we should tell the
truth. The wisdom that he held about the importance of telling
the truth was magnificent. He said, "If you're not honest
then every thing is a play. You have no reality. You get into
situations that you don't want. The other person doesn't know
who you are. Lying destroys trust. Lying is part of hypervigilance.
It is trying to establish a defendable position." He
saw that lying doesn't work to get what you want and telling
the truth does work to get what you want. This man had been
in a thirty-year marriage that wasn't working and in which
he was miserable. He couldn't get out of it and he couldn't
fix it, because he was afraid to tell the truth about what
wasn't working. He really knew why not telling the truth was
a very bad idea.
Desired Outcome:
To become more aware of the power of speaking the truth, more
clear about what the truth is and better able to consistently
speak only the truth.
Discussion Starters: Examining your own life experience,
consider the following:
-
When and in what ways have I not spoken the truth? What
did it gain me? What did it cost me?
-
How can I get clearer about what the truth is? What tools
would help me with this?
-
How can I get better about always speaking the truth?
What tools would help me with this?
John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com
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