In thinking about the topic of trust there are several things
to consider. What do we mean by trust? How does trust develop?
How do we earn or build trust? How is trust lost? How is trust
regained? Is it "blind trust" or are we really talking
about something else? So often when I hear clients use the
word "trust", it feels like we need to back up and
define our terms. One says, "I can't trust him anymore."
Or, "I trust her completely." I think it's not as
black and white as this makes it sound. It is foolish to totally
trust or to totally mistrust. When we totally trust we deny
shortcomings and when we totally mistrust we deny areas of
functionality. Either way we are distorting the reality with
which we are trying to deal. This puts an unnecessary strain
on us.
I propose that we define trust as knowing a person well enough
to know what they will do in a given circumstance. If a person
is always on time, we trust them to be on time. If they are
always late we trust them to be late. If you can accept my
definition, then the rest falls into place. Trust develops
as we get to know someone. We earn trust by consistently behaving
well. We lose trust by behaving badly. We regain trust by
not letting it happen again. However, other factors come into
play. There is the matter of intermittent reinforcement being
stronger than consistent reinforcement. If someone is inconsistent,
we don't know what to expect. Therefore it is harder to feel
a sense of trust for what they will do. We tend to feel less
kindly disposed towards the person who is late half the time
than toward the one who is always late.
In the case of those of us with histories of trauma, our
history comes into play. There were people who abused us,
misused us and confused us. They probably are the primary
source of our confusion about trust as well as of our tendencies
to see issues of trust in black and white terms. Mostly our
trust issues are really about trusting our own ability to
correctly size up a person or situation. It is this lack of
trust in our own assessment abilities that is at the core
of most of the difficulties that we have with trust.
We try to remedy our lack of confidence in our own abilities
to assess what another person will do by replacing our judgment
with a set of rules. We decide to trust everyone until they
prove themselves unworthy. We decide to trust no one unless
they prove themselves worthy. We trust someone completely
until they make a misstep and then we don't trust them at
all. We decide to trust blue-eyed people but not brown-eyed
ones. Then we don't know what to do if someone has hazel eyes.
We make up tests to assess someone's trustworthiness. We trick
him into lying to us just so that we can prove that he's not
trustworthy.
I think that we would do better if we recognized that we
know what we know, and that we can make an adequate assessment
if we have enough data. We need to gain an increased clarity
about what trust is, the role it plays in our lives, and how
our sense of trust was impacted by our trauma. We need to
realize that what we have learned through our experience can
help us in our current and future relationships.
Examining your own life experience, consider the following:
What happened to my sense of trust as I was growing up? How
did my trauma impact my sense of trust? Who in my life have
I trusted the most and who the least? Did my sense of trust
for these people change and if so what changed it? Who and
how do I trust today? Would a new concept of trust help me
to deal better in my relationships?
John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com
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