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What happens to us when we change our way of being in the world? It feels like a disturbance in the cosmos. We are different and that changes everything. Change is not a bad thing. In fact we are making changes because we feel that it is a good thing. But on the other hand it is disturbing to us. And it is disturbing to those around us. Therefore we resist it. As a therapist I have experienced this resistance to change with every client with whom I have worked. With couples there is double the resistance. They are afraid of their own changing and they are afraid of each other’s changing. When an individual is in therapy and his or her partner is not in therapy, the partner resists the changes in the client even though they want them to change. But we have already discussed resistance. What about when we do in fact make changes? What happens?
Well for one thing, things get better. We behave with more integrity and every aspect of our life goes better. However, it is all unfamiliar and therefore uncomfortable for us and for those around us. We and they tend to want to get back to the old familiar status quo. There is an old joke I know whose punch line is that, “status quo is Latin for the mess we are in”. And, yes! That is pretty much it. Our lives aren’t working in some way. So we make changes. But part of us wants to go back to the mess we were in because it is familiar and because in that status quo we know how to act. Now that we’ve changed, we are not so sure how to act. We are learning how to be without an act, how to just BE. But it is not easy to just be and we falter a lot. This faltering makes us feel less sure about what we are doing and our ability to sustain it. We long for the good old days when we were into our acts and we could just run them and we knew exactly what to do. It wasn’t working for us but at least we knew what to do and we also always knew what results we would get. We would get the same results that we always got. “If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got.”
After we have made a significant change in the way we are in the world, we often feel out of sorts. Out of sorts is an interesting phrase as it speaks directly to the fact that we had sorted ourselves into fragments. When we make changes toward greater integrity, we make changes toward more integrated/non-sorted functioning. Our fragments are literally out of the places that we had sorted them into during times of traumatic stress. They are now out in the open to be acknowledged and assimilated into our decisions about our behavior in whatever way we see fit. “See fit” is another interesting phrase that is very apt. I see it as meaning that if we see that the perspective fits, we can add it to the factors that go into our decisions, our choices. If it doesn’t fit we don’t have to use it.
When we change toward greater integration, things feel like they are a lot more complicated. This complexity makes us feel like we are working harder, and this makes us tired. The complexity makes us feel dizzy, spacey and disoriented. I would love to be able to tell you that whenever you feel that way it is a good sign because it means that you are changing for the better. But that would not be true. What is often true however, is the fact that when we are making changes for the better, we can often feel this way. The things that we thought before all have to be rethought. Our perspective has shifted and we are no longer simply accepting whatever interpretations our minds throw up for us. However, our minds are still throwing them up. So we still have to acknowledge them and consider them even if the end result is that we discard them. Consequently, we are being kept busier both mentally and emotionally than we were when we were just running our acts and staying stuck in our various states of disintegration and disintegrity.
So my very strong recommendation to you is to accept the malaise that comes along with positive change as a necessary little ole period of adjustment while our system gets used to a better way of being.
Desired Outcome: To become more comfortable with and accepting of the discomfort that comes along with making positive changes in how we are in the world.
Discussion Starters:
- How do I feel when I make positive changes in my behavior, in how I am in the world?
- Can I see that the distresses I feel are just growing pains? Can I acknowledge them, endure them and even welcome them knowing that they are heralding in a new era in my life?
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