Feelings of inadequacy could perhaps be defined in a variety of ways. For our purposes, let's say that feelings of inadequacy are those feelings that occur when one feels that s/he cannot do something that s/he thinks that s/he should be able to do. And, feelings of inadequacy are also those feelings that make one feel that s/he cannot do something that s/he is in fact perfectly able to do.

Feelings of inadequacy are something that those of us who have experienced childhood trauma often experience. When we were children, we were often in fact inadequate to the challenges with which we were presented. We couldn't stop our abusers. We could not protect someone else from being abused. We could not get someone to control his or her temper, or stop drinking, or stay at home, or be faithful, or be fair, or be reasonable, or listen, or negotiate, etc. We tried to do these things and mostly or always we failed. From this we concluded that we were inadequate. Or we didn't conclude anything consciously. But in our minds we stored the data of these experiences. Now, when new experiences raise questions about our adequacy, our minds search their memory banks and find that same data and, loyal to their function, they draw conclusions. Based on these data, the conclusion they draw is that we are inadequate.

When our minds tell us that we are inadequate to a task or to handling a situation, we must respond. There are several possible responses. The one I recommend is to tell our minds, "Thank you for sharing. However, I am going to assess the current situation on its own merits and draw my own conclusions from that. I am not going to base my conclusions on ancient history." Unfortunately, we are not always so savvy about the fact that our minds are just doing their job, that they are just machines that function in a certain way automatically and that they lack a certain soulfullness that is necessary to make the best possible choices.

Generally, when our minds tell us these sorts of things, we tend to react. We each tend to have our preferred reaction. There are several to choose from. Any one of us might choose any one of these reactions at any given time, but we each have our favorites. Sometimes, we try to counter the sense of inadequacy by overdoing. We try to prove ourselves. Sometimes we give up and feel hopeless. We give in to the sense of inadequacy and may even tell ourselves and others that we can't do it, it's too hard, we are not gifted in the particular skill required, or we make some similar disclaimer. Sometimes we neither try harder nor give up. We settle for mediocre. We may feel that we could or should do better, or that if we put forth adequate effort we would do better. But we just do enough to get bye. Sometimes we anesthetize ourselves with mind-altering substances or activities to take ourselves away from the internal debate about our relative adequacy or inadequacy. And, sometimes we project our sense of inadequacy onto others. We criticize others for those things that we feel inside as failings in ourselves.

Sometimes, feeling inadequate is just an act. We tell ourselves that we feel inadequate in order to juggle some other emotional dilemma with which our mind is troubling us. For example, I had a client who was very smart and attractive and claimed feelings of inadequacy to deflect others from disliking her for being superior. She believed that others would dislike her for her intelligence and for her beauty. She believed that if they thought that she felt inadequate it would be easier for them to like her in spite of her looks and her brains. Superficially she had herself convinced that she felt inadequate, but deep down she knew better and through therapy was able to dismantle this act and unravel the reasons why she had created it in the first place.

I think that the key to overcoming feelings of inadequacy is learning to trust ourselves. Our trust of ourselves grows as we learn through experience and through insight that we really can handle whatever comes up. We who have PTSD have an especially hard time learning this because our minds tell us that our history says that being able to control things is a life or death matter. We then confuse handling things with controlling things and end up feeling like we can't handle things rather than recognizing that we can. The truth is that if we would just look at the facts we would see that we can, and do, and have been handling all sorts of things for a very long time.

Desired Outcome:
To recognize wherein we feel inadequate and to acknowledge and embrace our adequacies.

Discussion Starters:
How did my sense of inadequacy develop? What factors in my childhood situation contributed to this? How has my sense of inadequacy and my sense of adequacy evolved since my childhood? What issues do I still struggle with regarding feelings of inadequacy? What techniques can I use to fully embrace the truth of my adequacy?

John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com

<< Articles