My guess is that everyone has some fear of intimacy more
or less. Relationships are challenging at best and intimate
relationships are the most challenging. The question is why
are we afraid and are those of us with histories of childhood
trauma more afraid than those without major trauma histories.
I think that the answer to the latter question is "yes"
and for obvious reasons.
Our fears come from having had bad experiences. To the extent
that we have had bad experiences such as being misused, hurt
or neglected, physically or emotionally in prior relationships,
we will be fearful of those things in future relationships.
And, all things being equal, our fears will be proportional
to the severity of the bad things that happened in our previous
relationships. In the case of those of us with histories of
severe trauma, these fears can be very great and sometimes
so great that they are disabling as far as relationships are
concerned.
These fears exist, I believe, even when we are already in
a relationship with someone. That existing relationship has
obtained a certain level of intimacy, whatever that level
of intimacy happens to be. That is the level at which we are
comfortable, or at least that we can tolerate, and we are
fearful of taking the relationship to a deeper level.
Partly these fears are about dealing with the unknown. What
we learned, or decided that we learned, as children of trauma
was that we are not good at dealing with the known, much less
the unknown. We learned to doubt our ability to handle whatever
comes up. The reality, the truth is that we can handle whatever
comes up. The evidence for this bold contention is that we
have been able to do that more or less well all our lives.
And, we've been learning new and better skills for handling
things all these years too. But that self-doubt is strong
within us and it doesn't take much to get it stirred up. We
feel fairly okay as long as nothing unfamiliar is thrown at
us, but new stuff, such as a greater level of intimacy in
our relationships, scares us.
Another factor in our fear of intimacy is that we harbor
great shame about ourselves, about who we think we really
are deep inside. We think that we area bad and therefore we
want to keep ourselves hidden. Intimacy involves opening up
and sharing our inner selves with another. To attempt to do
that seems to us a very risky proposition. Our sense of our
own badness stems from what happened to us. We told ourselves
that we wouldn't have been treated the way we were if we were
good. Many of us were told that we were bad in a variety of
ways. We were told that we were fat or scrawny, ugly, awkward,
stupid, filthy, evil, spawned from bad seed, that we were
the temptation that led our perpetrators astray, that we asked
for it, were too much, too loud, too selfish, too proud, too
demanding, too much trouble, etc.
Our sense of badness can take many forms. We think that we
aren't good enough or that we aren't worthy enough for people
to love, care about, respect, treat well, etc. Or we think
that we are evil, monstrous, sick, perverted, despicable,
or pathetic. Sometimes we avoid intimacy in order to protect
others from being exposed to us or exposed to the evil that
we perceive ourselves as being capable of. True intimacy is
about sharing "warts and all" and we feel that our
warts are just too hideous to every let anyone else see. Some
of us have shared deeply only to then be rejected, adding
to our sense that to share that deeply is a mistake.
With all of this going on, it is a wonder that any of us
is ever able to have a relationship of any kind, much less
a truly intimate one. Yet love abides. We continue to long
for connection with at least one other human being on a deep
level. Sometimes this longing doesn't take us very far because
our fear is too great. But it is still there pushing for recognition
and for movement in the direction of greater and greater intimacy.
It is my very strong opinion that we would be wise to heed
its call and press forward into more intimate relationships
in spite of our fears.
Desired Outcome:
Become more conscious of our fears about being intimate. Face
and move through them. Become braver about moving forward
into greater intimacy
Discussion Starters:
What evidence do I see that I am afraid of intimacy? Can
I recognize that I have limited my potential for a more intimate
relationship? What things in my past have contributed to these
fears? What things have I tried to overcome these fears? What
other things do I see that I might do to overcome my fears?
John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com
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