Over the last 34 years as a psychotherapist, I have often been asked questions about fairness. Couples have asked me to be their referee and decide what is fair between them. Clients have told me that various things in their lives were not or are not fair. They have asked me how to determine what is fair, and so on. One might think that after being confronted so many times with these timeless and provocative questions, that I would have some answers. Well, maybe I do. But it is not so simple as one might think. Yet we humans seem to long for and cling onto simple and simplistic explanations for almost anything and everything. We like the seven habits, the ten commandment, the twelve steps, the four agreements, Dr. Phil's "Ten Laws of Life", etc.

When it comes to fairness, perhaps the most popular simple answer is that "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander." This simple-minded approach to fairness is that everybody should be treated the same. Everybody should be held to the same standard. Everybody should meet the same set of expectations. But what about a person with only one arm? What about an elderly person? What about a child? What about a dull child? Obviously we cannot and do not hold people to the same standard when their capacities are clearly different. Neither should we hold people to identical standards when the differences in their capacities are less extreme. My sense of it is that most of the time we intuitively realize this and we cut people a lot of slack.

An equally simplistic, but more appealing, approach to fairness is that everything is already fair. This has great appeal because obviously then there is nothing to be done. Or is there? Everything is already just as it should be. Isn't it? This way of thinking about life does have some merit. It is a case of looking on the bright side of every turn of events and treating everything as an opportunity to enhance. When we say "opportunity", it implies that there is something to be done. But what? The greatest spiritual leaders of our time, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and The Dalai Lama, all teach that we should do the right thing regardless of how we are treated. But, wait a minute, is that fair?

A third approach to the question of fairness is also simplistic and has the added disadvantage that it does not really satisfy our longing for things to be fair. It is the idea that "life just isn't fair". I personally have resorted to this explanation a lot. In fact this approach has a profound positive effect on those who have suffered mightily. Whenever someone tells me about abuses they suffered in their childhood, the first thing I do is to acknowledge their suffering by saying to them that I am sorry that those things happened to them. And sometimes I add that it wasn't fair. And sometimes, if it seems like ascribing fault is one of their issues, I add that it wasn't their fault. However, when I do this, it is never my intention to just leave it at that. Acknowledging suffering is important. But it is important as a beginning. It is not an end in and of itself.

So the bottom line is that things do happen to us that we feel are not fair, and we need to address those feelings. Whether we are angry or sad or whatever we feel, we need to fully experience our feelings so that we can get past them. Then we need to move our focus from who's right and who's wrong, from whether or not things are fair, and put it on getting results. For those of us with PTSD, the result we should be focusing on is to lead a more functional life. We should be working on overcoming the negative impact that our trauma has had on our life. We need to learn to recognize that this negative impact stems from the way our minds perceived, interpreted and stored the data regarding what happened to us. We need to acknowledge and fully experience our sense of unfairness so that we can move past it and toward a life that is fuller and sweeter than any life that is burdened with considerations of fairness.

Desired Outcome:
To think more about the subject of fairness and what role it has had in our lives. To find ways of redirecting our focus on constructively seeking positive results in our lives.

Discussion Starters:

• When have I felt that I was treated unfairly? When have I felt that I was treated fairly?

• When have I felt that I myself have been fair or unfair to others?What has been my concept or explanation of fairness in life?

• How has my attitude toward fairness changed over the years?

• How do I want to think about fairness from now on?
  
  

John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com

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