People come and go in our lives. When they go we have a variety of feelings. Sometimes we are glad to see them go, but maybe we feel guilty, a sense of failure, a sense of fate or even a sense of loss. Sometimes we are sad to see them go; even though we recognize that they are doing what they need to do and what is best for them. When we have these ending in our lives, sometimes we tend to block out some of our feelings, to fragment. The challenge is to stay present with all of our feelings and let them be present side by side within us. In this way we can have a more integrated experience of the endings in our lives.

Those of us with histories of childhood trauma may have more trouble with endings than the average person. There are a number of reasons why this is true. Not surprisingly perhaps, for us, endings are complex. Whether the ending is instigated by us or by another person, there are a variety of ways endings can be interpreted. When we are confronted with the end of a relationship, we generally cycle through a variety of these interpretations as we go through the process. We don't necessarily do this consciously, but we do it just the same. As a matter of fact we most generally are not very conscious of what we are doing. One of the goals of our therapy is to make ourselves more conscious.

Perhaps the most obvious and most accurate interpretation that we give the endings in our lives is that they are losses. I am saying that this is an accurate interpretation in a temporal physical world sense. In a global spiritual sense there can be no loss as we are connected spiritually to everything all the time. And, therefore, nothing is ever missing except possibly from our awareness. But in the temporal physical sense, we do experience losses and therefore grief. And as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross pointed out there are several aspect to the complex phenomenon that is grief. In her book On Death and Dying, she lists these aspect (which she originally called "stages") as: denial/isolation, bargaining, anger, resignation/depression, and acceptance.

In denial we try to get ourselves to disbelieve what is happening. In bargaining we try to get ourselves to believe that what is happening can somehow be changed through negotiation. In anger we try to get ourselves to believe that whatever is happening can be changed through force and intimidation. In resignation/depression we try to get ourselves to believe that we are helpless victims. And in acceptance we recognize that things are what they are and that we can handle whatever comes up no matter how much we may not want to.

Another interpretation that we often give to endings is that they are rejections. This can be our interpretation even is we are the one that is leaving. We tell ourselves that if they really liked us and cared about us they wouldn't let us go. If we are the one being left, we tell ourselves that if they really liked us and cared about us they wouldn't leave. When we are feeling like the ending is a rejection, we feel hurt. We question our worth and our value to others. We wonder if we did something wrong, if we offended them in some way. We go over events in our mind and look for clues as to what went wrong, what we did wrong.

Sometime we interpret endings as punishment or abuse. This is a natural one for those of us with childhood trauma histories. We suffered much punishment and abuse of one sort or another and have learned to expect that our lives will be filled with such things. We tell ourself that every time we let ourself become attached to something or someone, it is taken away from us. Maybe we even tell ourself that every time something good happens to us it is taken away from us to punish us for enjoying it. We tell ourselves we were wrong for letting our guard down.

Part of what we are doing when we make such interpretations is that we are trying to convince ourselves that we have control over external events. When we were children, we did not have control over what happened to us. One of the most traumatizing aspects of those events was the fact that there was nothing that we could do to bring them to a halt. This sense of powerlessness is a major factor in a person developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If we are in crisis and there is something we can do about it, we are less apt to develop PTSD. We have a sense of powerfulness in proportion to how effectively we are able to impact a situation. For those of us who have developed PTSD, there is an urgency to regain and maintain a sense of control and that is part of the reason that we create the idea that we are the cause in so many situations where in fact we are not.

Finally, we can interpret endings by telling ourselves that they are external to us and have nothing to do with us. This may sound like acceptance, but to tell ourselves that anything that happens around us has nothing to do with us is also a distortion. Ultimately, everything has something to do with us. Endings that occur in our lives most certainly do. Our goal should be to keep it in perspective. We do need to think about it, to analyze it in order to find the balance point between taking too much responsibility and not enough.

Desired Outcome:
To cope better with the endings that occur in our lives.

Discussion Starters:
What have been the most significant endings that I have experienced in my life? How have these impacted how I cope with endings in general? How do I feel and what do I think when I encounter endings in my life? What distortions do I see myself making when I encounter endings? How can I do better?

John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com

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