Those of us with histories of trauma most certainly all have control issues. It is not hard to see why this is true. As children we found ourselves in situations in which we had little or no control. That much is not unusual. It is probably best that children not be in control of very much. They are not ready for that much responsibility and would make a fine mess of it. However, in the case of those of us who suffered trauma, our lack of control was coupled with others behaving in ways that put us or others in jeopardy.

They may have harmed us, threatened to harm us, put us in harms way, or done things to us that we believed would harm us. Or maybe they neglected our needs in ways that harmed us subtly, in ways that we didn't recognize at the time as harming us. Even when the harm wasn't obvious, we sensed that we were being harmed, that something wasn't right. We weren't getting all of our needs met. Those needs that weren't being met may have included any or all of a number of basic needs. We had needs for safety and security. We had emotional needs for nurturing, for understanding, for comforting, for attention and for loving. These are "needs" because if they are not satisfied at least to some sort of minimum level, we are harmed. And we had no control over all of this happening to us.

Some of us equated our lack of control with the danger that we were in. Some of us saw our lack of control as a flaw in ourselves that needed to be remedied. Some of us were given too much responsibility. We were given responsibility without any power or authority to carry it out. We saw our lack of control as both a lack in ourselves, and a letting down of others. One way and another, we saw our lack of control as a big part of the problem. We thought that if we could just have more control, we could solve things and prevent further harm.

Consequently as adults, we have wanted to have or feel that we have as much control as possible. Our attitude, conscious or not, has been that we need to have the control because we are the ones that want to prevent harm. And, maybe nobody else sees the need for prevention nor the danger of harm as clearly as we do.

Unfortunately, our zeal for control often gets us into trouble and/or causes the very harm that we are trying to prevent. At the very least we have made those around us uncomfortable. We have spent a lot of energy not accepting how things are. We have tried to change things and people. In our attempt to control we have lost sight of the bigger picture and haven't even been able to control our own minds, which have run us amok. We have created unnecessary anxiety for ourselves. And, at worst we have become abusive, even physically abusive out of our urgent sense of a need to control. Obviously these are not outcomes that we desire. These are not ways that we want to be.

Desired Outcome:
Become more aware of our tendency to feel the need for a sense of control and become better at curbing our controlling behaviors.

Discussion Starters:
When and in what ways have I been controlling? When have I been controlling and not been aware that I was being so? When have I made conscious efforts to be less controlling? What has worked and what has not worked in my attempts to be less controlling?

John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com

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