Without boundaries the world would be chaos. On the other hand, the world is pretty chaotic. But it would be even more so if not for the fact that most of us have a fairly good sense of boundaries. In fact if everyone had a good clear sense of boundaries, the world would probably be a whole lot less chaotic. So how do we develop our sense of boundaries and why do so many of us have so many problems with boundaries? We develop our sense of boundaries in the first place, from having limits set for us by our mothers. In normal child development, ones love and respect for ones mother causes one to want to honor the limits she sets. Now anyone who has watched a child develop, knows that this respecting doesn't all develop right away. It takes a few years and then during the teenage years it gets more or less lost and it takes a few more years for it to return. At which point it is usually in a more adult form. In normal development it continues to evolve. It becomes more sophisticated and refined throughout life.

There are basically two types of problems that we encounter with regard to boundaries. There is the problem of our own lack of boundaries or boundary confusion. And, there is the problem of dealing with other people's lack of boundaries and/or boundary confusion. In either case any discussion needs to begin with an exploration of how these boundary problems develop. In normal child development, there is first a bond between the mother and the child. Everything else developmentally is impacted by the quality and the nature of this bond. Ones sense of boundaries is dependent on the quality and nature of the mother-child bond that was formed in infancy. If there was little or no bonding, then the person's view is that they are alone in existence and everything, and everybody else, is their environment to be used and manipulated as they see fit. Nevertheless these people have the same normal longings for bonding as everybody else.

For those of us with PTSD, our boundaries were violated before we even knew that we had boundaries. We didn't know that there were reasonable boundaries that each of us, even as little children, has a right to. As a consequence, we who have had childhood trauma, tend to have some degree of boundary confusion. We didn't always experience appropriate boundaries as children. Our sense of what is and is not appropriate was confused and distorted. We had to figure out a concept of boundaries on our own, out of our observations of life. We came away from childhood with boundaries that are based on wrong, confused and distorted messages. Our boundaries are, in some cases, too restrictive, like not wanting or allowing ourselves to receive normal healthy touching because we were touched in ways that were not normal and not healthy. Or they are too loose, like allowing people to take advantage of us because we are desperate to try to please them so that they will like us because we felt unliked and unlikable as children. Or our boundaries became inconsistent because we vacillated between wanting to be close, and getting frightened by the closeness we seek. In some cases maybe we actually figured out pretty well what would be appropriate with regard to boundaries. But we feel uncertain about what we figured out. So we tend to either loosen or tighten our boundaries whenever someone questions the way we are managing them. Or, we tend to religiously defend them to reassure ourselves that they are right. We don't trust what we have figured out because we have figured it out in our head and don't feel it in our guts or know it in our bones, as someone with healthy childhood development would. Sometimes our head has figured it out wrong. Our gut is trying to tell us something different. We need to listen to these messages more, but maybe we haven't yet learned to trust that our gut might have it right. We know that often times our gut over-reacts due to lessons it learned in order to survive trauma. No wonder we have so many problems with boundaries.

Desired Outcome:
To recognize that we have a right to set appropriate boundaries, to become clearer about what appropriate boundaries are, and to become more conscious of the existence of and need for boundaries

Discussion Starters:
How did my sense of boundaries develop? How did my childhood situation impact this? How has my sense of boundaries evolved since childhood? What issues do I still struggle with regarding boundaries?

John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com

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