In PTSD, in addition to all the other problems with which we have to contend, is the problem of our bonding with our mother being faulty, damaged or nonexistent. (Throughout this paper I use the term mother to refer to the person who is for the child the primary parent with whom the child has the most Contact Me, male or female, related or not.) In normal child development, the child experiences a healthy bonding with its mother and all future healthy relationships build from there. I believe that in PTSD there is always some problem with the childhood bond with the mother. As one of my clients so aptly and cleverly put it, "If it isn't one thing it's your mother." I suppose that the mildest form that this problem can take is that of a failure on the mother's part to protect. The most extreme form is when the mother is the perpetrator. And of course there are all kinds of scenarios in between.

There are two kinds of bonds that can form between two people. In the psychological literature they are referred to as "narcissistic" and "empathic" bonds. As the name implies, the narcissistic bond is one in which ones connection with and sense of connectedness to another person is based on using that person as a mirror of the self. It is based on thinking that the other person likes me or is like me or makes me look good or makes me feel good about myself. In this kind of bonding there is no real getting to know the other person as a being, separate from the self or separate from meanings relative to the self. Those things that are unique and different about that person are ignored, denied, rejected or attempted to be changed.

Narcissistic bonding is innate and instinctive. It is sort of like the imprinting of certain baby birds that follow the first being that comes into view on the instinct that it is their mother. Everyone is capable of forming narcissistic bonds and we frequently do. When you meet someone for the first time and you look for things that you have in common, that is narcissistic bonding. It is not a bad thing per se. It is just not enough to be complete, whole and healthy and to have relationships that are complete, whole and healthy. The getting to know you is limited by the lack of room for you to be something more than something that reflects me.

Empathic bonding begins to develop when the child first notices that mother has an agenda of her own which is more than just being there for him or her. Empathy begins when the child starts to respond favorably to the mother's feelings and desires. In healthy parenting, the mother does not place expectations too early before the baby is capable of comprehending and responding to them. This phase of development is referred to as "primary narcissism" on the assumption that from the baby's perspective, he or she is all that is and everything else is just there to reflect him or her. Of course we don't really know what "thoughts" are going on in a baby's head. But it does seem safe to assume that they are not spending a lot of time contemplating anyone else's experience as they are doubtless too caught up in just being in their own.

Later on as the child becomes increasingly aware of mother as a separate being the development of an empathic bond and therefore the development of empathy can begin. Empathy is the ability to understand and bond with another person. The ability to be empathetic and to form empathic bonds with other people stems from and develops as a result of this original empathic bond with mother. However, if mother is not herself empathic then the child's development of empathy suffers accordingly.

Desired Outcome:
To recognize the empathic failures in our relationships with our mothers and to recognize in what ways the quality of that empathic bond has impacted our ability to be empathic and to bond. 2. To develop strategies for learning and growing the abilities to be more empathic and more capable of bonding.

Discussion Starters:

• What was the nature of my early bonding experiences? Was my mother capable of empathic bonding? Was there someone else with whom I had a healthy bond who acted as surrogate mother?

• During my life what difficulties have I experienced in terms of empathy and bonding?

• Has my ability to empathize and to form empathic bonds evolved over the course of my life? How has this come about? What has helped me to become more empathic and capable of bonding in this way?

• What could I do from here on out to enhance my abilities in this regard? What is my strategy?

John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com

<< Articles