Birthdays are often difficult for those with PTSD, especially if these times were problematic or not handled well when we were children. For some of us the lack of celebration on our special day reminded us of how unwanted we felt. Other children had nice parties and got nice gifts. So we wondered why we didn't. For some of us, our parents were such martyrs about it that it reminded us of what burdens we were. For some of us it got turned into a crisis for some other family member and the specialness for us was eclipsed. For some of us birthdays became occasions for abuse. The perpetrator was brought to our home or other gathering place; routines were set aside and protector people preoccupied. This set up opportunistic scenarios for our perpetrators to abuse us. And finally there are those who had nice birthday parties every year, but they seemed hollow in the face of the rest of what was going on.

That was then. But now we are still haunted by the ghost of birthdays past. Our expectations are low, or even worse; we expect bad things to happen. We are on guard, we are wary and it gets in the way of our enjoyment of the day. We say we want no celebration. We are never satisfied with what comes our way. The gift isn't what we wanted. The party is too big or too small. It's not the kind of cake we like or we don't like cake at all. Could this distaste for cake be a displacement of our distaste for what happened or didn't happen then? Maybe we don't feel worthy. Maybe we feel they don't really mean it and are only operating out of a sense of obligation, or for appearances sake. In any case the baggage we carry from our childhood, if we let it, could ruin all future birthdays.

What is the answer? Why are we so stuck? Why can't we let go of then and enjoy now for what it is? Those who love and care about us just want to show us a good time and help us celebrate. Why can't we just let them do that and let ourselves truly enjoy the positive attention that we could now have and have always wanted? I believe that part of the answer is that we have not properly grieved about what happened then. We have not fully faced the pain we felt and let it pass on through us. Consequently, it is still just sitting there waiting to be processed. This lack of sufficient grieving probably also contributes to our not being able to allow our relationships to be more healthy. If we could truly allow healthy relationships to be fully realized in our life I believe that one result would be to bring about further healing in our lives.

I believe that another reason that we let our unpleasant histories spoil our present joy is that we are stuck in our role as victim. It is a familiar role and we are afraid that if we let our guard down and let ourselves be excited and enthusiastic, that we will suffer. The truth is that we may in fact suffer. We may suffer disappointments, upsets, annoyances, etc. But these are not the sufferings we fear. We could manage any and all of this with aplomb. The suffering we fear is what happened to us as children and that would not and in fact could not happen to us now. In fact nothing like that could happen except under very extreme circumstances. These sorts of circumstances we can usually avoid. Sometimes they are unavoidable, e.g. a terrorist attack. But in any event, it is magical thinking to believe that we can prevent such things by denying ourselves pleasure. And it is spoiling our enjoyment of our lives to stop ourselves from wanting and having a good time.

Desired Outcome:
Have a Happy Birthday!!!

Discussion Starters:

• What were my birthdays like when I was a child? How do I feel about what happened on my childhood birthdays? What is my greatest sadness about my childhood birthdays?

• What are my birthdays like now? How do I feel about how I behave regarding birthdays?

• If I'm truly honest with myself, what do I want for my birthdays? Is what I want reasonable and realistic?

• What can I do to move through my grief and my hang-ups to allow my next and future birthdays to be what I, and my loved ones, want them to be?
  

John C Flanagan, LCSW
818 NW 17th Avenue, Suite 7
Portland, OR 97209-2327
503-228-7574
www.johncflanaganlcsw.com

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